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Cultural Burden: A Thai Woman’s Endless Debt to Her Parents

In Thai culture, the expectation for children, particularly daughters, to support their parents is deeply ingrained, especially among the working classes. This duty stems from a long-held belief that children owe their parents an unpayable debt for giving them life and providing for them during their formative years.

This cultural norm creates an immense sense of obligation and guilt, as daughters strive to fulfill their perceived daughterly duties amidst societal pressures and financial realities.

thai woman parents burden

Cultural Expectations

For many women, the cultural expectation to care for one's parents is an inescapable duty. From a young age, daughters are reminded that they owe their parents for the sacrifices made on their behalf. This sense of obligation is very strong among rural communities, perpetuated by societal norms and reinforced by constant reminders from family and community members.

It is very difficult for a Thai woman to say no to her parents because of the cultural belief that parents are always right, and that one should not argue back, call out their moral standards, or suggest that they are not good parents. There is an ingrained respect for authority, even more so when it comes to parents.

The burden is magnified by the gossip and judgment from neighbors, friends, and extended family. A daughter who is perceived as not doing enough for her parents is often labeled as ungrateful or irresponsible, intensifying her feelings of guilt and inadequacy. The pressure to meet these expectations can be emotionally and psychologically taxing, as daughters strive to prove their worth and devotion.

The Reality of Financial Responsibility

The financial burden on Thai daughters is compounded by the lack of a robust pension system in Thailand. Most parents do not have pension plans, and the government's provision for the elderly is minimal (600-1,000 Baht monthly, depending on age). The World Bank has noted that this government stipend for elderly citizens is staggeringly low, with the monthly amounts barely covering basic living expenses.

Many parents, particularly those in rural areas, end up raising their daughter's children due to various circumstances. This arrangement necessitates that the daughter goes out to work to cover the additional costs involved. The grandparents' ability to work is further limited by their caregiving responsibilities, adding to the financial strain.

In numerous cases, the child's father is absent, often due to teenage pregnancies or marriages that quickly dissolved. Unlike in Western countries, Thailand does not aggressively pursue child support from absent fathers, leaving the mother and her family to bear the financial burden alone.

Shifting the Burden: The Dynamics of a Foreign Partner

When a Thai woman marries a foreign partner, the expectations and pressures can shift but rarely diminish. Many uneducated parents view foreign partners as inherently wealthy or at least significantly better off than the average Thai. As a result, if the daughter cannot provide adequately, it is assumed that the foreign partner should fill the gap.

Culturally, a daughter's support for her parents should end when she marries; the Sin Sod plays a significant role in this transition. Indeed, the ideal situation would be that she is cared for by her new husband. If she has a child, the child will also be financially supported by her new husband; though the couple may choose to remunerate the grandparents for childcare duties.

However, in practice, the transition is not a smooth one and the burden is seldom lifted. Often, as the daughter's lifestyle improves due to her foreign partner's financial support, her parents' expectations also rise. They anticipate a better lifestyle and increased financial assistance, perpetuating the cycle of obligation.

Additionally, some parents employ guilt tactics to ensure continued support, causing the daughter emotional strain and tension in her relationship. This emotional manipulation can deepen the sense of duty and guilt, further entrenching the daughter in her role as the primary provider.

Supporting Habits, Self-Indulgence & Social Status

Despite a Thai woman’s consistent financial support to her struggling parents each month, the money is sometimes misused, creating additional financial strain. In some cases, the funds may be spent unwisely, supporting habits such as drinking or gambling, or wasted on frivolous purchases intended to impress neighbors and enhance family status in the community.

This pursuit of social status and appearance, driven by cultural pressures, often results in the money being spent on indulgent, non-essential items. Consequently, the initial financial support does not alleviate the financial burden but rather exacerbates it, leading to a cycle where more money is needed going forward.

This misuse of funds becomes a significant source of worry and frustration for the daughter, as she struggles to balance her financial obligations while witnessing her support inadvertently contributing to her family’s ongoing financial instability.

Money Problems: A Gateway to Sex Work

Many of the single women struggling to support their parents in Thailand are uneducated and therefore have limited work options. Typically, they can only find low-paid agricultural work, factory jobs, or shop positions.

Some women, with an entrepreneurial streak, may start a small business, usually as a food vendor or market stall seller. However, starting such a business requires an initial investment that many do not have. This kind of work is also subject to high competition, fluctuating rents, associated business costs, and seasonal trends. Many simply lack the business acumen to make it successful.

As a result, the lure of fast money in the sex industry becomes increasingly appealing. Often, a woman is introduced to bar work in a tourist area by someone from her village, an extended family member, or a recruiter. From here, the descent into the underbelly of society can be rapid.

Once the parents experience the benefits of the newfound monthly income, the daughter feels compelled to maintain it and even earn more to elevate her status as a provider. Of course, this is not just about fulfilling parental expectations; it is also about providing a better life for her children.

Mental Health Problems: A Result of Financial Obligations

The financial pressure can cause serious strain on familial relationships, turning them into transactions solely about money and provision. The constant need to provide financially can erode the natural bonds of affection and support, leading to feelings of resentment and obligation.

Depression, anxiety, and even suicide—often as a result of debt—are everyday realities in Thailand. The intense pressure to support one's parents can push many women to the brink. Involvement in prostitution can exacerbate these issues, leading to alcohol and drug addiction, unwanted pregnancies, emotional regulation issues, and further psychological trauma.

When these women enter relationships, particularly with Westerners who do not fully understand the familial dynamics, the constant requests for money and seemingly loveless interactions can cause arguments and resentment between the couple and the woman's family. The Thai woman becomes torn between her loyalty to her husband and the moral code of her new family, and her parents' demands based on cultural obligations and guilt.

In Western cultures, parents usually prioritize their children's well-being over their own financial needs, sometimes to the point of self-sacrifice. In contrast, in Thailand, the expectation is reversed: parents expect financial support from their children, regardless of the child's age or circumstances. This cultural difference can tear Thai-foreign relationships apart.

The burden of supporting parents while trying to maintain personal relationships and emotional well-being can create a complex web of stress and pressure, leading to significant mental health challenges for many Thai women.

In Summary

The burden of supporting one's parents is a complex issue for Thai women, rooted in deep cultural expectations and compounded by harsh financial realities. The societal pressure to fulfill daughterly duties can lead to significant stress and emotional strain, as daughters navigate the demands placed upon them by tradition, family, and community.

For those with foreign partners, the expectations often shift but do not necessarily lessen, as the parents' views on wealth and support adjust with their daughter's perceived improved circumstances.

This ongoing cycle of obligation highlights the need for a broader understanding and potential reform in societal expectations and support systems for the elderly in Thailand. Until such changes occur, Thai women will continue to shoulder the heavy burden of a never-ending debt to their parents.

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  1. steve says

    Gday Peter
    Great article ( though belated reply ) So true in every sense and similar related comments in relation to this article .I was once involved with a Thai Lady and though I kind of sensed to some degree that this is part of the Thai Culture but it became more apparent as time moved forward. I was keen to progress towards marriage etc however knowing the deep sense of family loyalty that comes first became problematic .and soon the relationship ended as I was keen for her to come to Australia but again deep down I see that at the end of the day it was not going to be a good out come long term .
    It still to this day gnaws at me that the Thai women have such a huge responsibility towards the family while the men ( and her brother offers no help ) It appears like its a total social miss justice towards females and can understand the emotional strain and financial obligation that they have to go through. Unfortunately this situation is so deeply ingrained in Thai culture one thinks it will never change given the current demographic in Thailand , its so sad . Though I for one Love Thailand in the main and the people, Thailand has the potential to become a greater place if it could somehow change this facet to the family dynamic especially towards women and give them greater respect and value to which they deserve .
    Reply

    • TheThailandLife says

      Hey Steve, thanks for sharing your experience. I completely agree—family loyalty is such a strong aspect of Thai culture, and it can definitely put a strain on relationships, especially when you're from a different background. It’s frustrating to see the responsibility falling so heavily on women while the men are often less involved. It’s deeply ingrained, as you said, and feels unfair. Like you, I love Thailand and its people, but it’s true that if these cultural dynamics shifted, particularly in how women are valued, it could make a big difference.
      Reply

  2. Troy Havey says

    Good day Peter, Yes This is the expectation placed upon my partner of 2 1/2 years. i was well aware of this practice as it is common knowledge that Thai girls send support money.
    The way we approach the dept, she gives a weekly allowance $100 Au.
    It never varies up or down. This seems to give my partner a feeling that she has satisfied her duty.
    And to my knowledge she doesn't get pressured.
    By having a constant drip feed and making it clear that is the arrangement that works for us.
    Interested to know, if anyone else does this.
    Reply

    • TheThailandLife says

      Hi Troy, $100 AUS a week is about 9,200 Baht a month. I think that is fair. It would be above average wage for their province but not an amount that is going to bankrupt you. If it makes your wife feel better and they are happy then its a good arrangement.
      Reply

  3. Michael B says

    Anyone thinking of marrying Thai woman (actually, you are marrying a family) should read this article and take it to heart.

    My Thai wife and I recently celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary. Her parents were reasonably well off and there was no financial pressure to support them on me; even as her mother aged (her father had died), mom had enough finances of her own.

    What I experienced was the cultural expectation of physically caring for her mother. I think if you marry a Thai woman there are going to be occasions when mom is the priority, not you.
    Reply

    • TheThailandLife says

      I think this is the case right across Asia. Elderly parents usually live with their kids, more so in poorer families where there is one family home. In the West, when the burden becomes too great care homes are a far more common option.
      Reply

  4. Steve says

    My Thai wife who lives with me in the USA is under the same feeling of obligation. We don't give her parents great sums of money, but probably 300 dollars or so every other month. I admit it does bother me a bit since they never acknowledge it with a thank you. I'm nearing retirement age myself so I'm not in a position to be giving handouts. The mother is the one who puts the pressure on the daughters and she controls the money. The husband may not even be aware that we send money. Although they are from the Northeast and are farmers, they don't lack for anything. They own A LOT of land and have everything they desire. But as for money, they can never have enough.
    Reply

    • TheThailandLife says

      Hey Steve, yes, the lack of gratitude and self-entitlement is what really bugs a lot of foreigners. As in your case, a lot of families have what they need and are doing just fine, but still want more and come cap in hand to their kids, primarily the daughters – and the expectation is higher when with a foreign national.
      Reply

  5. Tom Canlas-Wiedemann says

    Excellent article that is spot on.
    My wife is from the Philippines, but the issues are very similar. They call it "debt of gratitude" and that debt never ends. Children are supposed to support their parents and their siblings - and their own families.
    It puts enormous pressure on them and their partnerships.
    My mother-in-law retired at age 50 and fully expected my wife and her siblings to support her.
    This and the casual way, her family expects money - as if it is their right - almost led to the breakdown of our relationship.
    My pet peeve is the word "just", as in "my cellphone broke (after only a few months). Can you just send me a new one?". As if it is nothing for us, because we are millionaires.
    Once my wife started to push back, they massively guilt-tripped her, using the neighbours, facebook, etc, just like you mentioned in your article.
    You can't underestimate the pressure it puts on my wife, to the point that she said she sometimes wishes her mother would be dead.

    For us as foreigners, it is important to understand that there really is no social system and the retirement plan is the children, so there is a duty to support, but it is important to set rules and limits and have an open discussion with the wife about it early on.
    Reply

    • TheThailandLife says

      This sounds very typical and it suggests it is a problem across other Southeast Asian countries, not just Thailand. I completely understand your wife. I had a GF once who said that very thing, that due to the pressure she wished she or her mother would die. It's very sad.
      Reply

  6. Frank says

    Very well written article. My wife is the only daughter and her brothers don't contribute, but the demand is still reasonable and we agreed that while i pay for everything back home, she pays what is owed to her family from her own earnings, although i also give some occasionally when it's needed, like buying her mom a new tv or washing machine. I guess i am lucky to not get pressured this way too much. That being said, i know that deep down her expectations of me are to spend more but she doesn't want or dare to ask.
    Reply

    • TheThailandLife says

      Thank you Frank. I think that is the best arrangement, and for a Thai partner to understand that she will have to work if she wants to contribute to her family after marriage. However, as you note, that nagging expectation to give more, said or unsaid, is always there.
      Reply

  7. Peter Marris says

    I have a thai wife my faces the same pressure from her parents, She and her sister arei the only ones out of 5 siblings that is expected to support her parents financially from your posting I can see it's because she's married to me, I'm a British national by the way, I think it's wrong she has 3 brothers and 1 sister only my wife and her sister give any financial support, The 3 brothers very rarely give anything
    Reply

  8. Joe says

    Brilliantly written article, I have experienced everything written first-hand in two long-term relationships I had.

    I had endless arguments with my girlfriend - and her family - that I wasn’t a bottomless pit of money and that I wasn’t giving money every day just so the father and brother didn’t have to work and could laze around all day drinking and smoking at my expense. From what I observed, this was rampant, especially in the rural areas.

    In general, I love Thailand and it’s people but the more I see Thai “culture” for what it really is, the more I dislike it.

    I’m sure it wasn’t always like this, I’d be interested to learn when this extreme pressure and obligation was bestowed upon the daughter, I suspect it probably coincided with the expansion of the adult industry.

    The entire culture now appears obsessed with money, and it’s not necessarily money for essentials like food, housing or suchlike. I now see an even greater obsession to buy needless things and invest the money badly so that the family can have a momentary elevation of status, as the article accurately states.

    Below is an excellent Youtube video which presents more details about the ingrained mindset of these girls and accurately describes the mental health issues they face:

    https://youtu.be/SDRNvvIoFts?si=eGR7BLBcpsPskrd9
    Reply

    • TheThailandLife says

      Hey Joe, I think many of us feel like that as time goes on, that there are many aspects of the "culture" that aren't admirable and do more damage than good. You raise an interesting point: when did this immense pressure start? The thing is, it isn't just daughters of those in and around the adult or tourists industries, but for women working in all types of jobs. I have to say that in my experience it generally isn't prevalent in the middle classes, where the family dynamics seems to more westernized.
      Reply

      • Joe says

        Hi Peter,

        You're correct, it isn't just bar girls, it's all kinds of girls too. It would seem that the common denominator is poverty as I know a couple of ladies who are middle class and working in Bangkok (one is a marketing manager and the other is an English professor) and whilst both of them do help their parents, the pressure is nothing like the pressure that the poorer girls experience. The middle-class ladies seem to help based on their own choice, rather than some kind of obligation.

        There are a couple of guys I know locally who are married to Thai's and have been for about the past 15-20 years. The arrangement is that the man works and takes care of all the domestic expenses, but if the woman wants to send money home then she works and uses that money for her family. the arrangement appears to work quite well, I never hear of any major dramas.

        However, relationships which have started anytime within the last 10 years or-so seem to be beset by major issues of extreme pressure, entitlement and childish narcissism. Could this be linked to the increase of use of social media/mobile phones?

        And regarding the parents having an expectancy of being cared for by their children for giving them life, I would love to ask them why this seems to fall only on the edlest daughter and the male children seem to get away with it.
        Reply

        • TheThailandLife says

          I think your observations are spot on. The middle class women don't have the pressure, their parents don't need the support, so it is more a show of love that is rewarded with affection in return. From what I have seen, the poorer women don't seem to get any love or gratitude in return, just more demands. They may derive some happiness from seeing their parents look "higher up" in the eyes of the villagers when a new house is built or a car bought. But that's all about face and materialism. I sometimes wonder just how much some parents truly care for the wellbeing of their daughters. As you note, it is all linked to poverty. Very sad.As you say, the older Thai-foreigner relationships, where the woman has moved to the West, there seems to be that dynamic – where she works and sends some of that money home rather than the husband footing the bill. But in the more modern relationships there seems to be an expectation and sense of entitlement that the husband will pay for the family. It could be a social media thing, with women encourage by other women they see living a more privilege existence with their "farang". Indeed, I've heard more than once from guys saying how what a negative influence social media "friends" are on their partner.
          Reply

          • Joe says

            Hi Peter, thanks again for the reply.

            I guess that unless a thorough study and analysis is done we'll only be able to speculate when the burden and pressure increased. Perhaps social media, perhaps the increased popularity of the bar girl scene, perhaps parents' greed trying to "keep up with the Jones'", perhaps the flawed education system which teaches Thai's faulty economics (amongst other things) or a combination of all of these factors.

            The upshot is that I personally know no one (and I literally mean NO ONE) who has or has attempted to cultivate a traditional relationship with a Thai lady in the last 5 years and has been successful. I'm not saying it cannot happen. There are always exceptions. But personally I know no one where this has been successful. The only way to placate the girl is constant money whenever she demands it, along with buying her gold, handbags and other assorted items. Not to mention the endless eating!

            After two previous failed attempts at a relationship with a Thai girl, I have officially given up! Unfortunately, although flawed in different ways, relationships with Western ladies are also problematic these days too. Neither wonder the "Men Go Their Own Way" movement has become more popular!
            Reply

  9. Greg says

    Excellent article, I think. It plainly and clearly lays out what many farang both complain and joke about. The cultural financial obligations of females in the family to their parents is real, in many cases. In the future if I were to enter into another relationship with a Thai lady I will be sure to discuss this article with her.

    Thanks!
    Reply

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